You've heard of star gazing, now it's people watching.

I like watching people. How they move, their facial reactions to certain things and how they react with one another. However, from my interaction with other people, I come to the realisation of one unescapable fact: I am not special or unique in any way. I think that I'm like a diplomatic parasite that just latches onto the energy or vibe of a group of people. I have no real attributes or talents and my personality is as weak as Wormtail's in Harry Potter. I don't think that I'm particularly brave, intelligent or cunning so if I was in Hogwarts, I'd probably end up in Hufflepuff..

I have no idea what job would suit me. For a long time I thought Medicine but no. It's not for me. I'm thinking of doing international relations in DCU but a good Diplomat needs to speak several languages and I can't. I can't even really see a place for people like me in society. I don't know if there even is a place where I'd properly fit in. I think that it will be like a jigsaw, I might fit in to the space but I'm still not the right piece.

I don't mean any of this is in a mopey depressive way though. I'm quite hopeful about my future. Perhaps too hopeful! I just wish that I had more of the attributes that I actually like. I'd like to have courage, wisdom, intelligence, cunning and kindness but my personality seems (to me atleast) to be rather bland. My appearance fits my personality too I suppose. Nothing impressive, nothing that could ever turn heads, nothing that people would want to see but enough. Not too ugly, not too handsome. Bland.

I'd love to be one of those charismatic people with a smile made of pearls and eyes that sparkle like diamonds. I'd like to be tall and proud and powerful but I'm not. I'm short and I have a rosy face that turns purple when I laugh. Not the stuff of Nightmares but not the materials that leaders of made of either. It's not perfect but it's mine. In the words of the song 'Not Perfect' by Tim Minchen, "I spend so much time hating it but it never says a bad word about me."

Still, I'm lucky. My health is relatively good, I've got good family and friends and Gráinne is a really great girlfriend. She wouldn't suit a lot of people but she's perfect for me. We like all the same things, our pasts are alike and we're pretty much the same person. Except, we're different too, so it's comforting and cosy being with her but really exciting too. Plus, her kisses warm up the coldest of dark nights and her words dispell all dementors and demons of the dark, dissapating them like smoke. She truly is amazing. I can't even describe how much.

Hello readers,
I can't wait until next week. Gráinne will be home and we're going to have fail days. I love our fail days. They're just days where it's just the two of us. We sing together, we cuddle, wewatch movies. An unhealthy amount of sweets is eaten and we drink lots of tea. I really think that we're just the one person in two bodies. She enjoys all of the same things as me and she gets all of my jokes and I enjoy all of hers

We even like the same classical pieces. She liked Concerto Gross in b minor allegro 1 so she is most definately a keeper. She is the only person who I tell my problems to because she really cares and I care about hers. Our relationship is based a lot on mutual trust and friendship.

I love how we've never had an argument because we've never had any cause to. We get on so well. Also, she's a very good kisser. The best. :)

US Senate, here I come!

Hello again Mr. blog. How do you do? I'm fine. Why yes, I am here again to divulge the inner secrets and machinations of my brilliant mind.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. There was a time when I had my heart set on medicine but that was a whole different me. I've distanced myself from that former self like an Aids patient flees from a plague.

I'm kind of thinking Journalism but I'm not even sure about that. I'd like to get involved in politics but I can't see myself enjoying Irish politics. I'd love to be a US Senator but clearly that's not really an option for me. There's no way that someone like me could be someone like that.

Pretty lost in life at the moment. I don't really want life to change. If I had my way, this Summer would never end, with all of its dreams, its idyllic qualities and endless promises. Alas, I know that the cogs and wheels of time move quickly and I will be plunged into the deep waters of reality.

I want to do something that I'm good at. Something that I enjoy. Something that I can be proud of.

I want to live a life full of goodness and virtue and, most importantly, love and happiness.

Andrew.

I've just finished a new little entry in my journal. Today was nice. I like writing down thoughts and ideas because I can always read them at a later date and remember them. I enjoy writing. I find it to be comforting. I like words as they are simple and beautiful and hide no elusive power or enigmatic vice. In certain ways, I prefer words to people. Words don't annoy me, they don't ever judge or sneer. I dislike people in general. I only enjoy social situations on my terms. There was once a time where I was an outgoing person who tried to live by the dictum of "all people are good" but now I have mutated into a terribly reclusive introvert. I feel alien around most people now and I see no reason to interact for the sake of talking. I hate moments when I am forced to be civil to people who I do not care for but I do so to be diplomatic, and for the sake of civility itself.

I'm so terribly pretentious and arrogant in so many ways but it's my coping method. I used to listen to everyone and care about all of their little problems but now I just don't have the time. I have more important things to do. Like watching paint dry. You tire of people's problems when you stack them on top of your own misfortunes.

I suppose I abandoned trying to be friends with everyone when they made it quite clear that they would not reciprocate that friendship. If you don't like me than I most certainly do not like you. I often wonder why I took so much shit from certain people or why I was so blind to their faults but I now see that there are many people whom I do not like as they have regressed into intellectual degenerates.

I adore my friends. I cannot stress this enough. They were there when I was at my lowest, when I felt like the world was grey and dull. When I felt as though I'd never escspe the void. They were there. I have long now escaped the void and I have to say that I am truly happy with my wonderful girlfriend and friends who make my life so wonderful. However, I often ask myself "Am I truly happy?" to which I answer "yes but you should be happier."

I went for blood tests a few weeks ago and it turns out I'm suffering from Leukopenia, Neutropenia, eukenphilia and other things. Basically my white blood cells are shit at their job and thats why I'm so sick so often. Which also explains why I can get pretty down. I'm going to work on being so hard on myself. I beat myself up about things that don't really matter.

Yours in befuddlement,
Andrew

I'm a Sanguinary melancholic

Well, it's 7.30 and so far I've done absolutely nothing of note. I awoke at four o'clock after having only gone to bed at 8 this morning. Dad just ranted at me for about 15 minutes about how I'm just being a waste of space, how I'm doing nothing with my life and that I should be earning my keep.

He loves those auld talks.

One third of my Summer has past. That's a terrifying and sobering thought. A thought which I do not wish to maintain in my mind for fear of going insane and slaughtering people. Lots of people. Probably Africans. Most definately children.

I really rely on my friends. They're what make me happy. I suppose they're almost like my Horcruxes, I've placed a little piece of myself in each one of them. I have the group that I'm closest to, "the real Appletree committee" and if I had to choose a few people to spend time with in a zombie apocalypse, they'd be the ones.

There's Gráinne. As well as being my girlfriend, she's also a bestfriend and basically my saviour. When times were bad for me, it was her who got me back on to the right path. She's my confidante and she really is amazing. She writes me little love letters that brighten up my dark days more effectively than the desert sun and gives hugs that are more cuddly than a teddy bear. She's amazingly beautiful, with brown eyes that sparkle with wisdom, soft lips, a beautiful soothing face and a statuesque body. She's still a massive fail though. (:

There's Niamh. If I'm not laughing at her child abuse jokes, I'm probably beating her up. Niamh is a pretty damn excellent friend. She was playing in a music recital thingy yesterday and I have to say, I was pretty proud of her. I'm not sure why though because she was shit. I can't be too noce to her after all, she'll start thinking she has rights. She's going out with Matthew now. They're actually a nice couple. That 'actually' is necessary in that sentence as I thought that they'd be an even bigger fail together than they are independently.

Then there's Matthew. I quite like having Matthew in the group. I think that I was the first person to actually state that they liked Matthew. I always found his dry sense of humour and his lack of respect for Niamh to be good things. Niamh said that he was tolerable a few months back. Now she's "giving him dixie" so that just shows how fast he grows on you. Like a cancerous tumour. I have to say, Our group wouldn't be as fun without MM.

Then there's Aaron. I've known him since first year and he still makes me laugh. "ah no, a kiss would lead them on", Orthodontist!, "Tell zem he was a Jew", Wejs!, and "ze is off to build zee reich" are some of the jokes made. I like his obsession with Doctor Who and how he adds a different dynamic to the group. He also makes me funnier as I often add to his jokes. He has a strange cleaning obsession, one that he inherited from his mother, and I have a feeling that Aaron's definition of clean is different to mine. A room is clean if there isn't an animal carcass in it..

Then there is Dee. Dee is blonde. That's always a bit mad. Dee is a bit strange because there could be days where she's quite quiet or days where she goes mental. I've just realised that she is like Dr. Jeckyl, Mr Hyde in that respect. Also, why is Mr. Hyde? Why not Dr. Hyde? What happened to the Medical degree?! Dee has been a good friend for years and is good fun.

So, in short, my friends are all shit, but I love them anyway. They really are the ones who keep me sane, or atleast as close to sane as I can be.

Even writing about them cheered me up a little on this dark, dreary morrow.

Yours in faith,
Andrew