I feel as though
I have never written before
These scrawling words
are but living breathing insects
Minute but terrible
That scuttle across
This blank canvas of a page.
These words
Know my incompetence.
I cannot
master them.
They will not serve me.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Dark thoughts
I dwell in your mind,
Beneath your scalp,
behind your eyes.
I see you there
And what you think
Before you tell others
With pen and ink.
You must love me,
I have hooks and claws,
Ready to tear the love out
Of strangers in the night.
I am your sacred soul,
Your cold conscience,
Your thoughts.
I dwell in your mind,
Beneath your scalp,
Behind your eyes.
Beneath your scalp,
behind your eyes.
I see you there
And what you think
Before you tell others
With pen and ink.
You must love me,
I have hooks and claws,
Ready to tear the love out
Of strangers in the night.
I am your sacred soul,
Your cold conscience,
Your thoughts.
I dwell in your mind,
Beneath your scalp,
Behind your eyes.
Our youth
We used to know the touch of youth,
The sun's glow graced our pale young flesh,
The breeze carefully caressed us,
And we laughed in the green.
We made a bridge from old rotten crates,
That spanned a river flowing four feet wide,
We passed beneathe the trees of oak and ash,
And danced upon the unsullied bare rock.
We knew the grace of innocence,
The freedom of the summertime,
And the liberty of youth.
We dreamed of this future we now live.
The sun's glow graced our pale young flesh,
The breeze carefully caressed us,
And we laughed in the green.
We made a bridge from old rotten crates,
That spanned a river flowing four feet wide,
We passed beneathe the trees of oak and ash,
And danced upon the unsullied bare rock.
We knew the grace of innocence,
The freedom of the summertime,
And the liberty of youth.
We dreamed of this future we now live.
War
Onward onward towards the
Barricade quick over the
Bridge run run towards the
Battle advance advance to the
Blazing azure retreat to the
Burning home protect the
Battered family. Clean the
Bloodied bayonet.
Barricade quick over the
Bridge run run towards the
Battle advance advance to the
Blazing azure retreat to the
Burning home protect the
Battered family. Clean the
Bloodied bayonet.
A flickering candle sings the truth
A dream, and yet a dream no longer,
Forged in iron, dust and soot,
We arise, renewed and stronger.
No more an artist drowned in rum,
Ideas flaming and skitting,
Pen tightly grasped between finger and thumb,
Nothing could be more fitting.
Assonance, metaphor, alliteration,
Writing a poem is like singing a song,
Bohemian, vagrant, no pride of the nation,
And yet you know it's for this life that you long.
A dream, and yet a dream no longer,
Forged in iron, dust and soot,
We arise, renewed and stronger.
No more an artist drowned in rum,
Ideas flaming and skitting,
Pen tightly grasped between finger and thumb,
Nothing could be more fitting.
Assonance, metaphor, alliteration,
Writing a poem is like singing a song,
Bohemian, vagrant, no pride of the nation,
And yet you know it's for this life that you long.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Be good and do good
I'm very confused. Do any of you ever have one of those days where you kind of question who you really are? Today was my day. I didn't sleep much last night. I slept for about an hour and a half, and I suffered from nightmares. I did a lot of thinking today. I had two double frees in the study, which provided more than enough time to think. I thought about God, religion, knowledge, meaning, value, society. I realise how little I know. I'm just a speck of dust floating in a cavern. I feel very strange today. I feel as though I'm a stranger in a strange land. I feel out of place. I feel as though I am a stone on the wrong beach, carried too far by the tides. There are so many talented people in the world. I'm just sort of... here. I occupy space. I give my opinions. I argue. I breathe. I can't help but wonder what Bobby would do if he or she were born. Bobby was a baby than my mam lost a few months before me. If they were born, I would never have been conceived. I always wander what kind of person they would have been. I suppose I always felt guilty for all of my failures because of Bobby. I always think that Bobby could have been special. I always feel as though they would have succeeded whenever I failed.
I'm not sure why I'm blogging today. I'm in an odd mood to blog. I doubt that many people will even read this, but still. I always wonder what people will remember of us when we're dead. I wonder if I'll have achieved anything truly great by then. I want to help people. I want to be good. I really do, but I'm plagued with laziness, pride and jealousy. I'm a terribly weak person in those respects. I'm not very proud or arrogant, but I often give off that aura. I don't think that I'm better than others, but I sometimes wish that I was. I know it's wrong, but I do it. I used to be very active. I used to help people with their problems. I used to work for lots of charities. I used to do good. I sometimes wonder what happened. I've strayed from the path. I've become too self-centred, too selfish. I don't want to be like this, but changing back has proved quite difficult.
I've always tried to live my life by the dictum "Be good and do good." I only wish my will could remain strong enough to do so.
Andrew
I'm not sure why I'm blogging today. I'm in an odd mood to blog. I doubt that many people will even read this, but still. I always wonder what people will remember of us when we're dead. I wonder if I'll have achieved anything truly great by then. I want to help people. I want to be good. I really do, but I'm plagued with laziness, pride and jealousy. I'm a terribly weak person in those respects. I'm not very proud or arrogant, but I often give off that aura. I don't think that I'm better than others, but I sometimes wish that I was. I know it's wrong, but I do it. I used to be very active. I used to help people with their problems. I used to work for lots of charities. I used to do good. I sometimes wonder what happened. I've strayed from the path. I've become too self-centred, too selfish. I don't want to be like this, but changing back has proved quite difficult.
I've always tried to live my life by the dictum "Be good and do good." I only wish my will could remain strong enough to do so.
Andrew
I have issues..
What the hell is wrong with me?
Today has just been one of those days. I got up this morning and I kind of wish thag I didn't. Nothing particularly bad happened. I was just so angry the whole day. Angry at the shopkeeper in the shop near my school, angry at my classmates for just being there, angry at my teachers for giving me my results, angry at myself, angry at society.
Today has just been an off day for me. For some reason, the whole #stopkoby campaign really annoyed me today. I was just so annoyed in school. Everyone was talking about it, but they didn't have a clue what it was. I'm sickened by the people on facebook, who share a video and think they're righteous social activists. I'm just really cynical and angry today. Normally I agree with ANY kind of activism.
But today, it annoys me. It annoys me because a twitter RT isn't going to change a thing. I don't mind people raising awareness. I'm all for that. It just pisses me off when people think their tweet will topple a rebel leader. Joseph Kony has been active for years.
His group, The Lord's Resistence army, has systematically butchered, raped and kidnapped innocent people. What annoys me is that I watched a video two years ago that made me cry. The first proper video that made me weep. It was a victim of the LRA, a fourteen girl who had been raped. She was stabbed and was dying. I saw her die in that video. What annoys me is that these twitter RT's and Facebook shares are a fad. What annoys me is that people don't think about the individual people involved. I'm just frightened that the girl in that video doesn't really matter in all of this. A campaign of slogans, not of people: "Stop Kony", "be the change", "Kony 2012".
I'm probably just being cynical because my head is all about the place. I hope that I'm wrong. I hope that this isn't just a twitter fad. I hope people actually think more deeply into it. I hope that they actually care.
Today has just been one of those days. I got up this morning and I kind of wish thag I didn't. Nothing particularly bad happened. I was just so angry the whole day. Angry at the shopkeeper in the shop near my school, angry at my classmates for just being there, angry at my teachers for giving me my results, angry at myself, angry at society.
Today has just been an off day for me. For some reason, the whole #stopkoby campaign really annoyed me today. I was just so annoyed in school. Everyone was talking about it, but they didn't have a clue what it was. I'm sickened by the people on facebook, who share a video and think they're righteous social activists. I'm just really cynical and angry today. Normally I agree with ANY kind of activism.
But today, it annoys me. It annoys me because a twitter RT isn't going to change a thing. I don't mind people raising awareness. I'm all for that. It just pisses me off when people think their tweet will topple a rebel leader. Joseph Kony has been active for years.
His group, The Lord's Resistence army, has systematically butchered, raped and kidnapped innocent people. What annoys me is that I watched a video two years ago that made me cry. The first proper video that made me weep. It was a victim of the LRA, a fourteen girl who had been raped. She was stabbed and was dying. I saw her die in that video. What annoys me is that these twitter RT's and Facebook shares are a fad. What annoys me is that people don't think about the individual people involved. I'm just frightened that the girl in that video doesn't really matter in all of this. A campaign of slogans, not of people: "Stop Kony", "be the change", "Kony 2012".
I'm probably just being cynical because my head is all about the place. I hope that I'm wrong. I hope that this isn't just a twitter fad. I hope people actually think more deeply into it. I hope that they actually care.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
My history special topic- draft.
The Führer Bunker- Sven Felix Kellerhoff
Berlin- the Downfall 1945 Antony Beevor
The Fall of Berlin- Anthony Read & David Fisher
The Hitler Book- (secret dossier prepared for Stalin from the interrogations of Otto Guensche and Heinz Linge)
Hitler retreated to his Führerbunker in January 1945 and by the end of February was leading a rapidly disintegrating Third Reich. It was clear that the battle for Berlin would be the final battle of the war. Stalin, distrustful of the agreements reached at Yalta, told Eisenhower that he had "lost interest in Berlin" and would commence the offensive in May 1945. However, he was adamant that he intended to conquer Berlin by International Workers' Day (1 May 1945). Stalin had authorised his forces on 16th April to commence the battle for the Seelow Heights, the final major defensive line outside of the city of Berlin. The city was bombarded by Soviet artillery for the first time on 20 April, Hitler's birthday.
"Unfortunately not really a birthday occasion" - Martin Borrman in his calendar, April 20th 1945
Josef Goebells had a large congratulation appear in the few German newspapers that were still publishing. "The Führer is Germany's most courageous heart"- Berliner Morgenpost. "We stand by him in Germanic loyalty- they can torment us, but not humiliate or break us down."
On April 20th, the first Russian tanks stand at the gates of Berlin. The crack of the infantry guns and mechanised artillery reached the Reich chancellory. The Führer received birthday wishes from the faithful in the highest echelons of power. They all shook his hand, swore one final oath of loyalty, and then tried to persuade him to leave Berlin and travel to Berchesgaden, where the Nazi leadership was now retreating to. "they all tried, but in vain. Hitler intended to stay and await developments" - Traudl Junge, Hitler's secretary.
Hitler placed a radical and illogical faith in Wenck and Steiner. He believed that the 12th army could turn the tide and win the war for Germany. He became even more deranged and void of reason, moving armies on his map that no longer even existed. The 12th Army under general Walter Wenck and the battle troop of the SS General Felix Steiner were large enough for small offensives, but not large enough to defend Berlin, nevermind drive back and defeat the Soviets. It was clear that Berlin would be the graveyard of the Third Reich.
On April 22nd, Hitler openly admitted, for the first time ever, that the war was lost. He ordered Field Marshall Wilheim Kietel, the highest ranking officer, to go to Berchtesgaden. Kietel knew only too well that they were fighting a losing battle and told Colonel General Jodl "this is the downfall." At the martial conference that evening, Hitler suffered a total nervous collapse when he was informed that the orders he had issued the previous day for SS-General Felix Steiner's Army Detachment Steiner to move to the rescue of Berlin had not materialised. "Hitler launched a tirade against the treachery and incompetence of his commanders, culminating in Hitler's declaration, for the first time, that the war was lost."-Junge.
Hitler said that he would remain in Berlin until the bitter end and then shoot himself. Later that day he discussed the most reliable method of suicide with SS physician Dr. Werner Haase, who suggested the "pistol-and-poison method" of combining a dose of cyanide with a gunshot to the head.
April 23rd- Hermann Göring sends a telegram to Hitler expressing his belief that "after the appropriate time", he himself would assume the position of head of state, which nearly six years prior, Hitler had dictated in the event of his death.
Göring's telegram was entirely sound and reasonable, given the unreasonable circumstances. He had thought about the matter very carefully and had even discussed it with Hans Lammers, Hitler's closest legal advisor and head of the Reichs Chancellory, who had already flown to Munich. He consulted his staff, who all agreed with his sound and calm reasoning. Bormann, however, believed the telegram to be treasonous and advised Hitler to dishonourably discharge Göring. He followed this advice, and an ss warrant was sent out for Göring's arrest.
Hitler again faces betrayel on April 25th when Hermann Fegelein, SS liaison officer to the Führer bunker, leaves without permission under false pretenses. He is arrested two days later in his apartment in Berlin. He was found with his girlfriend and a suitcase full of jewellery. Meanwhile, his heavily pregnant wife Gretl, sister of Eva Braun, travels to Berchesgaden. Fegelein is taken to the Reichs Chancellory and is executed there the following day according to martial law.
Perhaps Hitler would have been more troubled by this act of betrayel from his future brother-in-law, were it not for more disturbing developments. Heinrich Himmler, the SS chief who had always been loyal to Hitler, met with a Swedish diplomat in Northern Germany on the evening of April 27th. He wished for this swedish diplomat to relay his words to the Western allies. He wanted to arrange a seperate peace (and his own protection) at the western front. Hitler had not expected better from Göring, a "fat morphine-addicted hedonist", but was devastated by the actions of his loyal Himmler. It was clear to him now that "Germany deserved defeat." Orders were sent out to destroy German infrastructure. While this slowed the advances of the Soviet army, it also doomed his own people. Hitler, alone and betrayed by his most loyal, betrayed the German people.
On April 28th, Benito Mussolini is captured and executed by partisans in Milan. His corpse is publicly hung by the feet and beaten by the crowds. Not wanting to suffer the same fate, Hitler discusses suicide once again with SS Dr. Haase. "I do not want to fall into the hands of the enemy either dead or alive. After my death, my body should be burned and remain undiscovered forever."
On the evening of April 29th, Hitler dictated his last will and testament to Traudl Junge. "As I did not consider that I could take responsiblity, during the years of struggle, of contracting a marriage I have now decided, before the closing of my earthly career, to take as my wife that girl who, after long years of faithful friendship, entered, of her own free will, the practically beseiged city in order to share her destiny with me. At her own desire, she goes as my wife with me into death."
It was the first time that Traudl heard of his intention to marry Eva Braun. She did not weep, but Goebbels did. Hitler ordered him to leave the city. "I don't want to run away and leave the Führer. I am Gauleiter of Berlin and my place is here. If the Führer dies, my life has no meaning." Goebbels also dictated his will to Traudl, which he ordered should be attached to Hitler's as an appendix.
During all the hysteria of that night, no one thought of a purely practical matter. No one in the bunker was legally empowered to perform a marriage ceremony. Without some appropriate official to declare their marriage, Hitler's last act would be nullified. Goebbels had a solution. As Gauleiter of Berlin, he knew of someone authorized to act as a registrar of marriages who was fighting with the volkssturm in the defence of Berlin. His name was Walter Wagner, and he was a municipal councillor. A group of elite allgemeine SS was dispatched across the city to bring him back alive.
The marriage took place in the Bunker's map room. Eva wore a long black silk dress. Hitler wore his uniform. Due to the nature of the groom, the formalities were reduced to the bare minimum required by law. Normally, the couple would have to answer questions about the purity of their Aryan heritage and their freedom from hereditary diseases, but in the circumstances, Herr Wagner neglected these. After the brief ceremony, they signed the standard two page wedding contract, followed by the witnesses- Bormann and Goebbels.
Hitler sent his last radio message to the Wehrmacht Headquarters south of Berlin at 11pm, April 29th. He asked when relief troops were coming. Keitel answered under 4 hours later. He told the Führer that "an improvement of the situation can no longer be counted on." Meanwhile, Soviet troops are now only 100 metres away from the Reich chancellory buildings. SS General Wilhelm Mohnke, the battle commander of the government quarters, tells the Führer that they can defend their positions for, at the very most, two days.
On April 30th, Hitler and Eva Braun said their farewells to members of the Führerbunker staff and fellow occupants, including the Goebbels family, Martin Bormann, the secretaries, and several military officers. At around 14:30 Adolf and Eva Hitler went into Hitler's study.
Several witnesses heard a loud gunshot at around 15:30. Heinz Linge, with Bormann at his side, entered the study. Linge later stated he noted "a scent of burnt almonds, a common observation made in the presence of prussic acid, the aqueous form of hydrogen cyanide." Sturmbannführer Otto Günsche, entered the study and found the lifeless bodies seated on a sofa. Günsche stated that Hitler "sat sunken over, with blood dripping out of his right temple. He had shot himself with his own pistol, a PPK."
Berlin- the Downfall 1945 Antony Beevor
The Fall of Berlin- Anthony Read & David Fisher
The Hitler Book- (secret dossier prepared for Stalin from the interrogations of Otto Guensche and Heinz Linge)
Hitler retreated to his Führerbunker in January 1945 and by the end of February was leading a rapidly disintegrating Third Reich. It was clear that the battle for Berlin would be the final battle of the war. Stalin, distrustful of the agreements reached at Yalta, told Eisenhower that he had "lost interest in Berlin" and would commence the offensive in May 1945. However, he was adamant that he intended to conquer Berlin by International Workers' Day (1 May 1945). Stalin had authorised his forces on 16th April to commence the battle for the Seelow Heights, the final major defensive line outside of the city of Berlin. The city was bombarded by Soviet artillery for the first time on 20 April, Hitler's birthday.
"Unfortunately not really a birthday occasion" - Martin Borrman in his calendar, April 20th 1945
Josef Goebells had a large congratulation appear in the few German newspapers that were still publishing. "The Führer is Germany's most courageous heart"- Berliner Morgenpost. "We stand by him in Germanic loyalty- they can torment us, but not humiliate or break us down."
On April 20th, the first Russian tanks stand at the gates of Berlin. The crack of the infantry guns and mechanised artillery reached the Reich chancellory. The Führer received birthday wishes from the faithful in the highest echelons of power. They all shook his hand, swore one final oath of loyalty, and then tried to persuade him to leave Berlin and travel to Berchesgaden, where the Nazi leadership was now retreating to. "they all tried, but in vain. Hitler intended to stay and await developments" - Traudl Junge, Hitler's secretary.
Hitler placed a radical and illogical faith in Wenck and Steiner. He believed that the 12th army could turn the tide and win the war for Germany. He became even more deranged and void of reason, moving armies on his map that no longer even existed. The 12th Army under general Walter Wenck and the battle troop of the SS General Felix Steiner were large enough for small offensives, but not large enough to defend Berlin, nevermind drive back and defeat the Soviets. It was clear that Berlin would be the graveyard of the Third Reich.
On April 22nd, Hitler openly admitted, for the first time ever, that the war was lost. He ordered Field Marshall Wilheim Kietel, the highest ranking officer, to go to Berchtesgaden. Kietel knew only too well that they were fighting a losing battle and told Colonel General Jodl "this is the downfall." At the martial conference that evening, Hitler suffered a total nervous collapse when he was informed that the orders he had issued the previous day for SS-General Felix Steiner's Army Detachment Steiner to move to the rescue of Berlin had not materialised. "Hitler launched a tirade against the treachery and incompetence of his commanders, culminating in Hitler's declaration, for the first time, that the war was lost."-Junge.
Hitler said that he would remain in Berlin until the bitter end and then shoot himself. Later that day he discussed the most reliable method of suicide with SS physician Dr. Werner Haase, who suggested the "pistol-and-poison method" of combining a dose of cyanide with a gunshot to the head.
April 23rd- Hermann Göring sends a telegram to Hitler expressing his belief that "after the appropriate time", he himself would assume the position of head of state, which nearly six years prior, Hitler had dictated in the event of his death.
Göring's telegram was entirely sound and reasonable, given the unreasonable circumstances. He had thought about the matter very carefully and had even discussed it with Hans Lammers, Hitler's closest legal advisor and head of the Reichs Chancellory, who had already flown to Munich. He consulted his staff, who all agreed with his sound and calm reasoning. Bormann, however, believed the telegram to be treasonous and advised Hitler to dishonourably discharge Göring. He followed this advice, and an ss warrant was sent out for Göring's arrest.
Hitler again faces betrayel on April 25th when Hermann Fegelein, SS liaison officer to the Führer bunker, leaves without permission under false pretenses. He is arrested two days later in his apartment in Berlin. He was found with his girlfriend and a suitcase full of jewellery. Meanwhile, his heavily pregnant wife Gretl, sister of Eva Braun, travels to Berchesgaden. Fegelein is taken to the Reichs Chancellory and is executed there the following day according to martial law.
Perhaps Hitler would have been more troubled by this act of betrayel from his future brother-in-law, were it not for more disturbing developments. Heinrich Himmler, the SS chief who had always been loyal to Hitler, met with a Swedish diplomat in Northern Germany on the evening of April 27th. He wished for this swedish diplomat to relay his words to the Western allies. He wanted to arrange a seperate peace (and his own protection) at the western front. Hitler had not expected better from Göring, a "fat morphine-addicted hedonist", but was devastated by the actions of his loyal Himmler. It was clear to him now that "Germany deserved defeat." Orders were sent out to destroy German infrastructure. While this slowed the advances of the Soviet army, it also doomed his own people. Hitler, alone and betrayed by his most loyal, betrayed the German people.
On April 28th, Benito Mussolini is captured and executed by partisans in Milan. His corpse is publicly hung by the feet and beaten by the crowds. Not wanting to suffer the same fate, Hitler discusses suicide once again with SS Dr. Haase. "I do not want to fall into the hands of the enemy either dead or alive. After my death, my body should be burned and remain undiscovered forever."
On the evening of April 29th, Hitler dictated his last will and testament to Traudl Junge. "As I did not consider that I could take responsiblity, during the years of struggle, of contracting a marriage I have now decided, before the closing of my earthly career, to take as my wife that girl who, after long years of faithful friendship, entered, of her own free will, the practically beseiged city in order to share her destiny with me. At her own desire, she goes as my wife with me into death."
It was the first time that Traudl heard of his intention to marry Eva Braun. She did not weep, but Goebbels did. Hitler ordered him to leave the city. "I don't want to run away and leave the Führer. I am Gauleiter of Berlin and my place is here. If the Führer dies, my life has no meaning." Goebbels also dictated his will to Traudl, which he ordered should be attached to Hitler's as an appendix.
During all the hysteria of that night, no one thought of a purely practical matter. No one in the bunker was legally empowered to perform a marriage ceremony. Without some appropriate official to declare their marriage, Hitler's last act would be nullified. Goebbels had a solution. As Gauleiter of Berlin, he knew of someone authorized to act as a registrar of marriages who was fighting with the volkssturm in the defence of Berlin. His name was Walter Wagner, and he was a municipal councillor. A group of elite allgemeine SS was dispatched across the city to bring him back alive.
The marriage took place in the Bunker's map room. Eva wore a long black silk dress. Hitler wore his uniform. Due to the nature of the groom, the formalities were reduced to the bare minimum required by law. Normally, the couple would have to answer questions about the purity of their Aryan heritage and their freedom from hereditary diseases, but in the circumstances, Herr Wagner neglected these. After the brief ceremony, they signed the standard two page wedding contract, followed by the witnesses- Bormann and Goebbels.
Hitler sent his last radio message to the Wehrmacht Headquarters south of Berlin at 11pm, April 29th. He asked when relief troops were coming. Keitel answered under 4 hours later. He told the Führer that "an improvement of the situation can no longer be counted on." Meanwhile, Soviet troops are now only 100 metres away from the Reich chancellory buildings. SS General Wilhelm Mohnke, the battle commander of the government quarters, tells the Führer that they can defend their positions for, at the very most, two days.
On April 30th, Hitler and Eva Braun said their farewells to members of the Führerbunker staff and fellow occupants, including the Goebbels family, Martin Bormann, the secretaries, and several military officers. At around 14:30 Adolf and Eva Hitler went into Hitler's study.
Several witnesses heard a loud gunshot at around 15:30. Heinz Linge, with Bormann at his side, entered the study. Linge later stated he noted "a scent of burnt almonds, a common observation made in the presence of prussic acid, the aqueous form of hydrogen cyanide." Sturmbannführer Otto Günsche, entered the study and found the lifeless bodies seated on a sofa. Günsche stated that Hitler "sat sunken over, with blood dripping out of his right temple. He had shot himself with his own pistol, a PPK."
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