Be good and do good

I'm very confused. Do any of you ever have one of those days where you kind of question who you really are? Today was my day. I didn't sleep much last night. I slept for about an hour and a half, and I suffered from nightmares. I did a lot of thinking today. I had two double frees in the study, which provided more than enough time to think. I thought about God, religion, knowledge, meaning, value, society. I realise how little I know. I'm just a speck of dust floating in a cavern. I feel very strange today. I feel as though I'm a stranger in a strange land. I feel out of place. I feel as though I am a stone on the wrong beach, carried too far by the tides. There are so many talented people in the world. I'm just sort of... here. I occupy space. I give my opinions. I argue. I breathe. I can't help but wonder what Bobby would do if he or she were born. Bobby was a baby than my mam lost a few months before me. If they were born, I would never have been conceived. I always wander what kind of person they would have been. I suppose I always felt guilty for all of my failures because of Bobby. I always think that Bobby could have been special. I always feel as though they would have succeeded whenever I failed.

I'm not sure why I'm blogging today. I'm in an odd mood to blog. I doubt that many people will even read this, but still. I always wonder what people will remember of us when we're dead. I wonder if I'll have achieved anything truly great by then. I want to help people. I want to be good. I really do, but I'm plagued with laziness, pride and jealousy. I'm a terribly weak person in those respects. I'm not very proud or arrogant, but I often give off that aura. I don't think that I'm better than others, but I sometimes wish that I was. I know it's wrong, but I do it. I used to be very active. I used to help people with their problems. I used to work for lots of charities. I used to do good. I sometimes wonder what happened. I've strayed from the path. I've become too self-centred, too selfish. I don't want to be like this, but changing back has proved quite difficult.

I've always tried to live my life by the dictum "Be good and do good." I only wish my will could remain strong enough to do so.

Andrew